I accidentally burped into my bong.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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