Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
