i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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