I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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