that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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