I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
