Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
