I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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