Me too!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
