its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
