i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
