I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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