So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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