So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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