alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
