listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
