I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
