he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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