you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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