the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
