I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
