got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
