I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
