Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
