1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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