Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
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I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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