I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
