I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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