I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
