i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
