mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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