I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
