Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
