Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
