what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
