I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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