My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
