I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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