Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize