Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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