my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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