I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He kissed a someone with a penis
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
