so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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