does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
operation harelip BJ is a go
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
