Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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