and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
