Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
