She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
