yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
