Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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