I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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