So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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