You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
