im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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