i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
