i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
