My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize