A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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