I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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